lso these are just somethings going on inside this brain of mine..most of the time its good for me to get'em out, cause it helps me sort through them...
lately, ive been convicted about my motivations; whether or not the choices i make glorfiy Him, or if im really just trying to serve myself, and then theres those middle ground feelings of knowing that it pleases Him and doing it, but only doing it because i know its right-the "it" being anything-these are the ones that happen more often than not.
its a huge struggle and (preface: these next few statements are in no way to excuse my poor choices or cast blame..because it all ultimately lies with me and my faith)
with a lot of innerward searching and prayer, ive learned that my-we'll call it lack of motivation- affects the Body, but at the same time, when the Body isn't "being the Body" i hurt and that is contributing to this valley i can't seem to get out of. so then this brings the circle around back to me, and i have to ask, what in my life is hurting the Body? its a hard place to be in, is all i can say. humbling and breaking, rough & tough.
moving on..loneliness.
this is something that i don't understand and it plagues me.
i almost feel like i don't even have control over it, the slightest thing, usually not even related to anything will make or break my week. the past 2 weeks have been horrible-i was depressed, homesick, ready to throw in the towel with school, miserable to the point that i didnt want anybody to have to listen to me complain so i kept up "face"...this week started with a long and emotional & frustrating conversation and it ended up being a decent week. its like i need to find the breaker box on my emotions and just turn the loneliness one off-cause it seeps into everything.
my mind loves a good game.
my schedule doesnt help my circumstances.
theres duality and uncertainty in what im passionate about and desire to do.
satan he's a trickster.
this battle im in is constantly one over my emotions and trust.
to end on a good note-the Lord has answered a long time prayer: i think i've found a "close" friend! we're hanging out this weekend and are really excited..cause she's been praying for the same thing :)
thanksgiving will be 100% refreshing and wonderful..4 days of no school and then im flying home 2 weeks later...whoop!
thats all.
grace & peace friends,
alisha
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