what to do with myself? sometimes, or most of the time, I feel like a fish living in a birdhouse. I hate making decisions, and not just a "i'm indecisive" but I flee from the slightest sight of confrontation. and yet, I constantly am seeking change-not in a running after it way, but the way in once making the decision, wondering if its the right decision i've made-which to change things means to ultimately make concise decisions.
This past Friday I was presented with a huge choice and I can say with cetainity that the decision I make will have huge consequences for the next year of my life; and i dont say that as a cliche, to be vauge and make it sound grand, but its completely freaked me out. The changes that will occur with whatever I choose will glofiry the Lord..but I've come to realize that the Lord is using this time in my life to really stretch my ears to His voice. Can I hear him over my fears, can I hear over my parents, can I hear Him in the midst of my financial responsibilities? Can I stop and listen? Can I hear the small, still voice saying "Be still and know that I am God, I am exalted over all the earth; I will never leave you or forsake you". I cried out to Him this weekend so much that my cheeks were rubbed raw from my sleeves-surrendering fears, confusion, pride, asking to clearly hear His voice, pouring out my motivation and desires and still I had no inkling of which choice was the best; and what scares me the most is that I might not know until I've made the decision-its the leap of faith you always have been told about...its not a fork in the road, a right or wrong choice (sometimes it is) but its Abraham on the mountain, with a knife, trusting the Lord's provision and plan, binding his only son to an altar, bringing the knife down and the Lord providing a ram, calling out "Abraham, Abraham!".
With either choice I make, the beautiful and wonderful love and provision of our Lord is shown, my faith and trust are put to extremes. What I do know, is that I dont want my choices to be made because its the responsible thing or be made out of duty or determiination, I dont want them to define who I am. I know who I am: i am a child of God, not alone, a light in the darkness. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. There is a perfect plan for my life and when I do make a "wrong" decision, the Lord will be there with me, picking me up, disciplining me and drawing me closer to Himself-cause you know, He's the Perfect Father. Decisions arent easy and we all fear mistakes, nobody wants to fail, or quit but we will fail, we will choose poorly, make mistakes but thats the beauty and power of grace.
So what am I going to do? I think I know, but ask me in a week.
Please keep me in your prayers.
grace & peace,
lish
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